Inferno: The Deleted Scenes
by Kimmeth
Summary: The title says it all really. These are the snippets of Inferno deemed too funny, too random or too much of an in-joke to put in the actual story. Just a little gift to you all before Pandora begins...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Inferno **belongs to me. Everything else, erm, doesn't.

**Note:** Well, as you can see, these are the deleted scenes. Not much more to say really... enjoy!

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**One**

**(From Chapter Five)**

"This is hopeless," said Maud, closing the book and resting her head on it. "We're never going to find anything in here. The library's full of spell books and ancient potion-making manuals; there's nothing in here that's remotely interesting enough to yield anything exciting about fighting demons."

"I know," agreed Ruby. "There's enough spaces on the shelves though, it looks like there are books missing. Perhaps they're the ones we need."

"Maybe Agatha magicked the useful books away when she transported the castle down to the ninth circle," suggested Enid. "You know, just to make our lives that little bit more difficult."

Maud sighed, her natural tendency towards pessimism not helping matters at this point, before an idea struck her.

"Agatha hasn't got the books," she said suddenly. "I know where they are." She left the library purposefully, her friends following along behind her, exchanging perplexed looks.

It was common knowledge amongst the older three years that if you wanted to know something about the school that was deemed by the teachers to be off-limits, you went to Fenny and Griz. Unfortunately the two most infamous pupils of Cackle's had graduated the previous summer, and so weren't on hand to answer queries, provide restricted access books and journals or assist in any illegal schemes. Fenella's room, however, lay empty, and Maud knew for a fact that Fenella was an avid collector of anything interesting that the library might have to offer. There was always the chance that she had left some of the most intriguing books under her bed away from the prying eyes of the teachers, who were always anxious to keep any books that the girls might use to spark a rebellion under lock and key.

Maud reached Fenella's room and cast a simple unlocking charm to open the door.

"Oh," she said. "That was... unexpected."

Fenella Feverfew and Grizelda Blackwood were sitting on the floor of the room drinking hot chocolate.

"Aren't you two supposed to be at Weirdsister?" asked Enid. Fenny and Griz exchanged sheepish looks.

"Well..." Griz began.

"We were... but..."

"Don't tell me, you got kicked out." Maud sighed.

"No!" exclaimed Fenny. "We weren't kicked out! We just felt it prudent to leave."

"Before we were kicked out," Griz added.

Maud and the others shook their heads in despair. Only Fenny and Griz would camp out in Cackle's...

_**Honestly, those two wouldn't last two minutes at university. Like my dad. Brilliant minds, but too much to distract them... Like experimental potions...**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Two**

**(From Chapter Eight)**

There was a small tinkle as the door opened and Mildred and Miss Bat entered the supposedly empty shop, but the welcoming sound was soon drowned out by another, far more terrifying one. For a few moments, Mildred thought that Agatha had beaten them to it, and that there was now an almighty magical battle raging between the Devil's Advocate and the Liaison. Miss Bat was evidently of the same opinion and flew behind one of the moth-eaten red velvet armchairs in one corner of the small room, leaving Mildred to stand alone against whatever might be lurking through the door to the back room behind the counter.

"Hello?" Mildred called timidly, reflecting as she did so that it was probably not the most sensible idea in the world to draw attention to herself. "Miss Spinder? Della?"

There was no reply, and as the noise reached a near falsetto pitch, Mildred realised with a sigh of relief that it was not a fight to the death that she was listening to, but merely a futile attempt at singing an opera soundtrack.

"_Ninety days delinquent gets you repo treatment_."

"Hello?" she called again, louder this time. "Is anyone there?"

"_I'm the masked horror on your street corner_."

Miss Bat exchanged incredulous glances with Mildred from her hiding place, slowly raising her head to peer over the back of the chair just in time to see a vision in jeans and a purple jumper twirling along the corridor from the back room. By Mildred's calculations, she was about to come face-to-face with Miss Della Spinder: Liaison, possible saviour of Cackle's, and frankly awful singer.

"_Make your mama mourn ya, I'm a NIGHT SURGEON_!"

With this final warbled note, Della spun through the doorway and into the main shop, saw that she had company and froze, the tube of book-binding glue that she was brandishing suspiciously like a scalpel falling to the ground.

Simultaneously there was a loud thud from outside. Mildred looked over her shoulder to see a seagull sprawled on the ground, twitching...

_**This song is from Repo! The Genetic Opera...**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Three**

**(From Chapter Ten)**

Mildred and Della ventured into the main shop once more to view the devastation that the battle had caused. There were pages strewn everywhere, floating in the puddles of water that dotted the floor, soaking into the faded carpet and pooling on the patches of bare floorboards. Astonished at the level of destruction that so short a combat had managed to engender, Mildred gazed around the room, all of the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves now bare, their contents flung to the four winds.

"My books," said Della, shell-shocked. "All my lovely books!"

She ran at Miss Hardbroom, as if she was making to pummel her into submission.

"Look at what you've done to my books!" she shrieked. "My books! My babies! You've killed my books!"

She stopped before she could reach the stunned form-mistress (who was no doubt feeling this a rather ungrateful reaction considering that she had just saved this young woman's life and had injured herself to do so), having slipped on the now-empty cover of a leather-bound copy of _Pure Herbs for the Pure of Heart_ and landed rather heavily in a puddle. A flurry of pages that had been lodged in the cracks in the ceiling chose this moment to come loose, showering the irate young bookshop owner with a step-by-step guide to the correct method of drawing a pentagram. Della pulled the pages off her head and growled menacingly at Mildred, who had advanced to help her to her feet.

"All my books," she continued. "All my precious books."

She turned to Miss Hardbroom and her eyes narrowed to barely more than slits.

"You can go to hell with your school for all I care! Both of you!"

"What!" exclaimed Mildred and Miss Hardbroom in unison.

"You heard me! If you think that you can waltz into my shop, eat all my chocolate fudge cake and KILL all my BOOKS, then expect me to come with you and save you from damnation with powers that I don't even have, then you must be as mad as Davina!"

She picked up the nearest battered book, a once-pristine first edition of _Les Misérables_ in the original French, and began to stroke its spine, crooning to it softly.

"It's alright," she said. "Mummy's here."

Suddenly there was a clattering from the back room and Miss Bat appeared, looking remarkably cheerful all circumstances considered.

"I heard my name," she said. "Have I missed anything?"

_**Originally, Aggie and HB's fight was going to destroy the bookshop totally. I thought it would be fun to have Della going completely, completely ape about it... **_


	4. Chapter 4

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Four**

**(From Chapter Eighteen)**

"So tell me again," said Davina, "just who _is_ this Dennis person whom I have won?"

Della sighed for what must have been the twentieth time that evening and rested her head on her hands with a groan before looking Davina straight in the eye.

"Davina, please understand this before one of us dies. For the last time, Dennis is no-one. He's just a random man. I said 'I bet a random man named Dennis'. He could be anyone named Dennis."

"Denis Lawson?" Imogen suggested. She had always been quite partial to the actor, despite his being one of the few unfortunate males who suffered from the rare condition of having hair and eyebrows of totally different colours.

"Denis Lawson if you must," groaned Della.

"So, where is he?" asked Davina, looking around as if she was expecting him to jump out of her stationery cupboard and shout 'surprise!'

"He isn't anywhere, Davina," explained Algernon, seeing the suicidal look in Della's eyes. Imogen knew that the younger woman loved her friend dearly, but there were some times when Davina living up to her namesake became a little too much for one sane colleague to cope with, let alone an acquaintance who didn't spend most of her days in the same room as her and therefore wasn't as ingrained to the general madness that Davina managed to cause wherever she went.

"But why not?"

Della and Imogen groaned in unison, and Algernon simply stared at the ceiling, perhaps hoping for a vortex to miraculously open there and suck him away from this increasingly exasperating situation. Sensing that she was not going to get an explanation, Davina folded her arms crossly and her eyes flickered towards the cupboard a couple of times before she shrieked triumphantly.

"Eureka! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!"

"Davina, what have we told you about Treasure Island?" Imogen pleaded, making a mental note to check the stationery cupboard for hidden copies of the contraband text, but Davina ignored her, instead moving her fingers around and muttering. On hearing the words 'Dennisus Apparatus', Imogen groaned inwardly. Davina was casting a spell to make Denis Lawson appear in the staffroom.

There was a puff of pink smoke and a male figure appeared. A male figure wearing a red evening gown and four inch stilettos, and carrying a slightly bedraggled feather boa.

"You're not Denis Lawson!" Della exclaimed.

Imogen looked the latest arrival up and down. Damned Foster's...

_**This is more of an in-joke between me and NextChristineDaae, but I hope you enjoyed anyway!**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Five**

**( From Chapter Eighteen)**

Whilst the raucous poker game in the staffroom was getting underway, Amelia and Egbert were safely ensconced in her warm office, trying in vain to work out some sort of a strategy to use as a back-up plan should their first line of defence – namely Della – fail. In their three hours of planning, they had reached no definitive conclusions whatsoever. Egbert's suggestion of creating a really long rope from tying all the girls' bed-sheets together and using it to try and anchor the castle to the surrounding trees so that it could not be moved was the nearest they had come to anything vaguely useful, and even that was logistically impossible. They had since resorted to playing eye-spy to pass the time, but after Amelia had chosen 'typewriter' for the fourth time, they decided by mutual consent that they had exhausted all the opportunities for a good game, and were trying to find another way of amusing themselves. Egbert was about to suggest that they simply cut their losses and went to join the others in the staffroom when Amelia rubbed her hands together with something akin to glee. Going over to one of the wall panels, she pressed a hidden catch and it slid away, revealing a small lever.

"Egbert," said Amelia sincerely, "I am about to show you something that I have never shown to any man nor woman in my life. No-one has been allowed into my inner sanctum in this way before."

Egbert gulped, not quite sure of what was inferred by such a remark.

"You have to promise that you won't do an Algernon and let anything slip at an inopportune moment."

Egbert nodded mutely, shrinking back in his chair although he could not explain what had prompted such a frightened reaction. Did Amelia have an anti-demon weapons system installed in her office that she was about to show him?

Amelia pulled the lever and Egbert jumped in his seat as her desktop flipped over, the papers, typewriter and half-drunk cups of tea disappearing to reveal a veritable goldmine of amusements, ranging from several packs of playing cards emblazoned with various pictures to a full set of Star Wars Monopoly.

"Amelia?" Egbert began, but thankfully he was saved the trouble of trying to think of something to say in response to this wholly unusual sight by Amelia's airy explanation.

"I get bored easily," she said offhandedly before moving to sit back behind her desk, repositioning the Monopoly board between them. "Now, I want to be the Millennium Falcon..."

_**Well what did you **_**think**_** Amelia and Egbert were doing whilst the others were playing poker? It's not like they actually came up with a back-up plan...**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes **

**Six**

**(From Chapter Eighteen)**

Mildred and Maud, padded through the dark castle as quietly as they could, the silence broken only by the occasional growling of their stomachs. Neither had been in a frame of mind inclined to eating at dinner, and as a result they now couldn't sleep for a mixture of fear and hunger. As such, they were currently on an intrepid mission to the kitchen at half-past three in the morning.

They had managed to get to the door without incident when a crash from within made both of them jump with a muted scream and take a step back, only now noticing the flickering candlelight from under the door.

"Damnation!" A familiar voice came from within the kitchen. "Algernon, give me a hand would you?"

Mildred edged towards the door and pushed it open a fraction to see Della and Mr Rowan-Webb standing by the pantry in the corner of the kitchen, or rather, Mr Rowan-Webb giving Della a leg up to try and reach the rather delectable looking plate of scones on the top shelf that were evidently being hidden there ready for Miss Cackle's afternoon tea once the normal school routine was resumed. If it was ever resumed, Mildred thought darkly, but pushed that murky contemplation to the back of her mind as she cleared her throat to announce her presence. The noise made Mr Rowan-Webb jump, and a second crash resounded through the kitchen as Della tumbled to the ground, clutching the plate of scones.

"It's alright," she called from the floor before giving a small groan. "None of them went on the floor."

Mildred and Maud entered to assist Della back to her feet – Mr Rowan-Webb was too busy attending to the well-being of the baked eatables to pay any attention to their saviour – and helped her brush the crumbs from her jumper.

"What are you doing?" asked Maud, eyeing up the scones, one of which Mr Rowan-Webb was now spreading with jam that had seemingly materialised out of nowhere.

"I would have thought that, given the surroundings and the object of our mission, that was fairly obvious," said Della, settling herself at the kitchen table and splitting open her own scone. "We're having a midnight snack. What are _you_ doing?"

"Well, we were going to have a midnight snack too," said Maud sheepishly.

"Then by all means, join us!" exclaimed Mr Rowan-Webb, a second pot of jam appearing on the table. Mildred declined to ask why they hadn't simply magicked themselves some scones instead of going on a veritable mountaineering expedition to find them, and sat down next to Della, taking a scone from the plate.

Just then, the noise of someone stumbling and a loud and colourful curse came from outside the kitchen. The door creaked open to reveal the Chief Wizard.

"Oh," he said, taken aback on seeing the kitchen occupied. "Are you here for a midnight snack too?"

_**These witches and wizards, governed by their stomachs I tell you! **_


	7. Chapter 7

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Seven**

**(From Chapter Twenty-One)**

"I've got some Imigran in my handbag," said Della, curling up on the edge of the bed and resting her head on her knees, watching Mildred as she opened up the black leather bag. It was about the size of a lever-arch file, and it had so many pockets and compartments that Mildred was awe-struck just by peering into it; she dreaded to think her reaction to its contents. She already knew that Della carried a vast array of items around with her on a daily basis, but she had yet to discover the full extent of her magpie-like tendency to hoard items.

The first few things that she pulled out of the bag were fairly standard affair – a purse, a bottle of water and a pen. Several pens in fact, Mildred had counted seven once she finished emptying the bag of writing implements. She looked at the selection of biros and decided to try a different pocket instead. This one yielded two unopened packets of mint imperials, a toffee crisp and a pair of (hopefully) clean stripy socks, along with a hairbrush and a couple of sectioning clips.

"Erm, Della, can you give me an idea as to where the Imigran might be?" she asked tentatively.

"It's in the other pocket on the front," came the mumbled reply.

Mildred dutifully searched the other pocket, unearthing a pair of tweezers, a set of pliers, a torch and, finally, a small packet of pills. She handed them over with the bottle of water and let Della down them, her attention wandering back to the bag on the floor at her feet.

"How much does that weigh?" she asked incredulously.

"Oh, not too much," said Della, closing her eyes and resting her head down on the pillow. "It weighs even less since I took my hairdryer out."

"Hairdryer?" asked Mildred.

"Do you have any idea how damp it gets in my shop with all those old books?" Della replied. "If it rains then I won't be able to dry out for weeks, I guarantee it."

Mildred shook her head and continued to put things back into the bag, unearthing more and more weird and wonderful items: a full set of plastic cutlery, plasters of six varying shapes and sizes, two pairs of gloves and an expired railcard. She shook her head at Della's now-dozing form, before something in the bag caught her eye and, perhaps against her better judgement, Mildred decided to investigate.

"Della!" she exclaimed, realising too late that she had woken the other woman. "Why do you have a frying pan in your handbag?"

"Why not?"

_**This is testament to the vast amount of rubbish that Kimmeth carries around in her handbag... But I can categorically state that I do not have a frying pan in there.**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Eight**

**(From Chapter Twenty-Three)**

The blackness appeared to be lightening, but Mildred couldn't tell if it was due to any outside illumination or if her eyes were simply getting used to the dark. Before she could lean across and ask Maud her opinion, a noise cut through the tense air, startling the women and wizards alike and causing a few screams, a particularly falsetto one seeming to have come from Mr Rowan-Webb's direction. The noise that had been the source of this brief moment of hysterics had been a groan, and once the initial terror had died down, it came again. This time however, it seemed to be calling a name.

"Ag'tha?" it called. "Ag'tha, ish that you?"

Someone stumbled into their limited field of perception, cloaked in black and swaying from side to side slightly. Mildred gasped, recognising the seated figure from her dream. They were about to come face to face with the Devil.

And he was absolutely stinking drunk.

"It's the Devil," she whispered to Della as pale hands emerged from the sleeves of the black robes, taking several attempts to pull the hood down. The first two times he merely succeeded in pulling the drawstrings of the hood tight and trapping himself within it. Finally he succeeded in revealing his face to the gathered crowd, who let out an 'ouch' of sympathy in perfect unison.

The Devil, Mildred reflected, looked like death. There were dark circles under his red eyes, which were squinting as if he was having trouble adjusting to the light, or lack thereof, and his complexion was beyond pale.

There was silence for a few moments, everyone watching him swaying backwards and forwards with expressions ranging from disgust through awe to sympathy.

"Are you alright?" asked Della, tentatively taking a few steps forward and grabbing one of the Devil's skinny arms before he managed to fall over onto her completely.

"My head," he slurred, "feelsh like sheveral elephants have deshided to have a tap-danshing party in it."

"Right," said Della knowingly. "Have you been drinking gin by any chance? I know that whenever our Nicky drinks it, he always ends up looking a bit like you do now."

"Gin?" asked the Devil brightly. "D'you have any?"

"No." Della shook her head before going into her bag and rummaging around for a few moments before pulling out her bottle of water and another packet of pills that Mildred recognised as Alka-Seltzer, dropping two into the bottle and watching it fizz before handing it over. "Get that down you."

The Devil grimaced as he drank the effervescent mixture and returned the bottle.

"Right," he said brightly after a few moments of tense silence. "Where were we?"

_**There's a long story behind this one. **_


	9. Chapter 9

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Nine**

**(From Chapter Twenty-Seven)**

Egbert struggled to hear Della's instructions over the sound of the wind blowing wildly around them. He heard something about inherent magic before her voice was lost to the hurricane. He shook his head and glanced across at Constance, whose face was registering a similar lack of comprehension. After a few more moments of non-communication, Della's expression becoming more and more frantic with each silent explanation, a flicker of both grim understanding and indescribable anger flashed across Constance's face. She backed out of their circle and, her stance full of determination, stalked across the ice towards the terrifying creature encased in the rink; the veritable gale that was intent on blowing her back was nothing compared to her wrath.

"WILL YOU BE QUIET?" she yelled to the Devil's true form. "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HEAR OURSELVES THINK WITH YOU MAKING THAT RACKET?"

The Devil stopped roaring and flapping his wings and hung his head, looking abashed. Even his horns appeared to droop.

"Much better," said Constance. "Now, I want you to write out one-hundred times 'I must not make infernal noise when others are trying to speak on important issues such as how to get a castle out of hell.' And I want it in your neatest handwriting, do you hear me?"

The Devil's scarlet eyes widened and he gave a puppy-dog whimper, to which Constance folded her arms.

"Don't try that tactic on me young man!" she said. "Begging won't get you out of it!"

With that, she conjured an outsized clipboard and elaborate ostrich feather quill from mid air into the hands of the beast.

"Well?" she demanded. The Devil immediately began scrawling, the scratching of the pen on the paper the only sound.

"Now," Constance continued, returning to Della and Egbert as if the previous exchange had not occurred. "Where were we?"

_**If anyone was going to succeed in taking the Devil to task, it would be Constance...**_


	10. Chapter 10

**Inferno**

**The Deleted Scenes**

**Ten**

**(From the Epilogue)**

The poker game was in full swing, and Amelia was quite enjoying herself when a series of thuds, magical crackles and high-pitched screams from above them halted the betting in its tracks.

"What on earth was that?" asked Imogen.

"It came from the direction of Constance's room," said Davina conversationally, looking up from her music stand at the ceiling.

Amelia, Imogen and Algernon all stood up at the same time as if they had been electrocuted. Amelia was about to lead the rush out of the door towards her deputy's room in order to save her from whatever devilish force was attacking her when she was saved the trouble by Constance's appearance in the staffroom. She did not appear to be any the worse from whatever skirmish might just have occurred, and indeed, Amelia might have concluded that there was nothing out of the ordinary going on had it not been for the light dusting of feathers that were adhering to her hair.

"Constance?" she began timidly, but tailed off on seeing the expression on the potions teacher's face.

"Will someone please explain," Constance began in a low and dangerous voice, "how come my bedroom has been invaded by a _man_ in a red evening gown who is..." she paused, "who _was_ insistent on telling me that I should keep my hair down more often and that I would look particularly fetching in a black leather catsuit?"

Amelia was dumbstruck, but luckily Algernon had a ready reply.

"Erm, was the man's name Dennis, by any chance?"

"I didn't think to ask," said Constance, her expression appalled. "Given the circumstances I thought that social etiquette was the least of my concerns!"

Before Algernon could explain the appearance of the mysterious Dennis any further, the discussion in the staffroom was interrupted by a scream from the courtyard outside.

"DENNIS!"

A few moments later, the sound of running footsteps passed by the staffroom door. Amelia opened it and the occupants peered out, just in time to see a young woman with ink-stains up her arms and hands clawed from writer's cramp coming along the corridor towards them, holding a broomstick in one hand and dragging a... well, Amelia assumed it was a man... by the scruff of the neck in the other. She stopped outside the staffroom and waved the broomstick cheerily.

"Don't mind me," she said. "My name's Kimmeth. Just come to collect Dennis. Great work defeating Agatha by the way. Can't wait to see what happens when the Devil comes back!"

The young woman disappeared off down the corridor, leaving the staff of Cackle's Academy gaping after her. It was several minutes before anyone could speak again.

"Well," said Davina. "That was... unexpected."

"Yes," agreed Amelia, closing the staffroom door once more and going over to the window, where a broomstick could just be seen disappearing over the horizon.

"Wait," said Constance, pausing in picking feathers out of her hair. "Did she just say that the Devil was coming back?"

The gathered staff looked around at each other.

"Oh cripes..."

_**Tee hee hee! **_

_**Well, I don't think there's anything left to say other than I hope you've enjoyed the deleted scenes from Inferno, and look out for Pandora's Box!**_


End file.
